


Stony - Dating Advice

by tisfan



Series: Candy Hearts [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bad Advice, M/M, Tony Has Issues, steve has a crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 19:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13643238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisfan/pseuds/tisfan
Summary: Steve needs some advice on how to ask out his crush. Clint and Nat are not helping. But Tony might have some insight…





	Stony - Dating Advice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fluffypanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffypanda/gifts).



“You should totally serenade them outside their window,” Clint was saying, “you know, like  _ Say Anything _ style John Cusack? That’s super romantic.”

“No, Clint,” Nat said, then, just as firmly, “No, Steve. That’s stalker-type behavior and should be reserved for whenever you want to be arrested.”

“How’re they supposed to know I like them?” Steve whined. It came across sounding particularly plaintive, and Tony paused just around the corner to eavesdrop, because wow, he hadn’t even known Stars-and-Stripes actually noticed people in a romantic way at all. He always seemed so very prim and proper, waiting for the right girl to take on evening walks (with a chaperone) and sit on the porch swing with. Or something. Tony didn’t know how real people actually conducted dates and courtship. He’d done one night stands, and the occasional lasting a bit longer than that (except it tended to go quite terribly, and a whole parade of ex’s marched across Tony’s brain, from Sunset Bain to Ty Stone to Maya Hansen) but nothing Tony ever did seemed to work.

“Just ask,” Nat said. “The worst thing that can happen is they say no.”

“Oh, I know, send them a pizza and write on the inside of the box lid ‘I know this is cheesy, but will you go on a date with me’? Because, if nothing else, free pizza! Everybody likes that. I’d date you for free pizza.” That was Clint again.

“Clint, I’ve seen you eating pizza out of the trashcan,” Nat said, “so you hardly count as a reasonable person, as far as that goes.”

“Out of the trash, really?” Steve was distracted from his romantic advice, and was probably giving Clint his Captain America Does Not Approve face.

“Seriously, no,” Tony said, entering the room, because lingering out in the hall and eavesdropping was just rude. “Don’t eat out of the trash, please. Just order another pizza. Oh, my. God.”

“Ten second ru--”

“First off, Legolas, it’s a five second rule, and it doesn’t apply to the trash can!” Tony said. For that matter, the five second rule didn’t apply at all. Germs weren’t patient critters, using a stopwatch before leaping onto dropped food. If they got on there, they did, and that was as simple as it was. Didn’t  _ necessarily  _ mean that it should be thrown away -- Tony had been known to snatch M&Ms off the floor when Dum-E knocked over a whole bowl full of them, so he wasn’t judging or anything, but he also didn’t harbor delusions of polite germs, either.

“Oh! Tony,” Steve said, and for some reason, the back of his neck was turning brilliant red. “I didn’t know you were listening.”

“Only casually,” Tony said. “I’m like the last person you should ask dating advice from. Carry on with the dispensement of wisdom.”

“Oh, I know,” Nat said, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “You can practice on Tony!”

Steve choked on air. 

“No, no, that’s okay,” Steve was saying while Tony tried to get an unruly batch of nerves under control. Having Steve pretend to ask him out would be the worst thing ever. Probably because Steve never managed to say anything that wasn’t a hundred percent sincere, or completely could spot it a mile away fib. 

Neither of which was going to do Tony’s heart any good whatsoever. Either Steve would sound like asking Tony out was the worst plan ever (it was, it really, really was) or he’d sound shy and sweet and Tony would be haunted by it forever. Because, of course, it wasn’t possible that it would be real, and then Tony would have that face and that sound and that utter and complete humiliation to remember for his entire life. 

Which is why it was such a total surprise when Tony found himself widening his stance a little and saying, “What exactly is wrong with asking  _ me  _ out, Spangles? I mean, is it the guy thing, because bisexuality is a thing, and--”

“No,” Steve managed to splutter. “Your gender doesn’t have anything to do with it, I just think that… maybe. You’re--”

“The perfect person for you to practice on,” Tony said, because if he was in for a penny, he was in for a pound. “I mean, we both know that it doesn’t mean anything, and I can help you with your approach.”

“Yeah, so, how,  _ exactly _ , do you want to be asked out, Tony?” Nat was still smirking. Well, at least someone was getting some amusement out of this whole debacle.

“Like, aside from havin’ someone trip you and beat you to the floor,” Clint added, mouth full of chips, and that was disgusting. Tony needed to remind the cleaning bots to come up and roomba the floor again.

“It all depends on what you want out of the date,” Tony said, deciding for his sanity’s sake to take it as a serious attempt to get Steve a date, not necessarily get Tony a date. “If you just want a one-night-stand, I advise just going into a bar in one of those tight white tees of yours and smile at someone. They’ll be pushing you up against a wall in no time. Or, you know, whatever.” He’d like to shove Steve up against a wall at some point. Probably end up with Tony pressed up against the wall and lifted up like a ragdoll, because super soldier muscles were a thing, but that was okay, too. “But if you want something a little more relationship-y, dating with  _ intent _ so to speak, then best to have a plan. Which shouldn’t be a problem for you.”

“What do you mean, a plan, I mean, I thought that’s what we were trying to figure out.”

“Not a plan for the asking, a plan for the dating. What do you want to do, when, for how long, etc,” Tony said. “I’m a busy guy, so if you don’t want quick and dirty in a bathroom stall--”

“Gross, Tony,” Steve said.

“--don’t know it. Bathroom bar sex can be amazing,” Tony scolded, then, “where was I? Oh, right. Plan. Know where you want to take me, and I’d advise asking me at least a week out, so I can make a hole in my schedule to accommodate you, and no more than ten days out, because otherwise I’ll forget. Really, better ask Pepper, honestly. She knows my schedule better than I do.”

“Tony, I’m not going to ask your ex-girlfriend when a convenient time is to ask you on a date,” Steve protested. 

“No, no, no, no,” Tony replied. “Pepper’s not my  _ ex-girlfriend _ , she was, more like, temporarily my ex-PA and is now, in fact, my boss. There was a brief period in there when we were sleeping together and sort of trying the relationship thing, and now we’re not. There’s nothing weird about it. I refuse for it to be weird, because I absolutely refuse to try to have another boss. I’m just too stuck in my ways for that, and having to train up a new boss would just kill me.”

“Regardless,” Steve said, stodgily, because Steve, “I’m not going to ask anyone’s PA, boss, or ex.”

“So, what do you want to do on this date? Broadway play? Dancing? Jet to Monaco? Sunrise walks on the beach -- by the way, the answer to that, from me, is always no. Sunrise and I do not get along. What’s your plan?”

Steve shrugged. “Go to an art museum, maybe, then dinner?” 

“Well, there are a frightful number of museums in New York, so you’ll probably be able to hit something she hasn’t already seen a dozen times, but I must say, Hill was quite firm with me about it. No borrowing the Quinjet to wine and dine. But if you ask nicely, I might let you take my private plane, if, you know, Paris seems a bit more your speed.”

Steve threw up his hands like he was tired of talking about this already, and Tony quite frankly didn’t blame him one bit.

But then Steve turned the puppy eyes on Tony, which was just completely unfair, and said, “Tony, I’d… um. Really like it if you’d agree to spend an afternoon with me. I think you’re a pretty great guy, and I know you just think of me as a teammate, but it’s been a while since I stopped thinking of you that way, and I just… want to see if maybe we can take things to a new level? I think you’d enjoy going to the Met Cloisters, and there’s a great place for dinner right near there, we can just take a day and spend some time together. If that’d be okay with you.”

_ Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker.  _

Tony swallowed. Tried to speak and nothing came out. Tried again. “Uh… yeah, that, you know sounds great, Steve. I’m sure it’ll work wonders, whenever you ask the lovely lady. Or gorgeous guy, whichever, I’m not--”

“Told you that you should have gone for the pizza idea,” Clint announced before Nat grabbed his wrist and dragged him bodily out of the room.

“Looks like I need to do this your way,” Steve said, sighing. 

“Wha--”

Steve picked Tony up, took a step and a half, and planted Tony firmly against the wall. Tony got all of one shocked breath out before Steve was kissing him.

_ Steve. _

_ Was. _

_ Kissing. _

_ Him. _

Well, Tony wasn’t a genius for nothing. After being completely floored, shocked, and astonished all at the same time, he positively melted into Steve’s kiss, wrapping his legs around Steve’s hips and arching up against him.

When Steve finally let him down, they were both panting for air. Steve leaned his forehead against Tony’s. “So, uh, that’s a yes on that date?”

“Well, I have to check my calendar, you know, because I am a very busy man--” because Tony was incapable of not being an asshole, sometimes. It was just a fundamental character flaw and if Steve hadn’t figured that out, it was time to let him know.

“ _ Tony _ !” Steve protested, but he was laughing anyway.

“Yes, that’s a yes,” Tony said. “And uh… my way is the best way to ask me out, just, you know--”

Steve kissed him again, cutting off the flow of nonsense coming out of Tony’s mouth. 

Which was probably for the best.


End file.
